DIANA ROSS & THE SUPREMES
Some thoughts:
There's this insidious voice inside my head that keeps saying: "Well, you know, you never really tried to cut down before. Now that you've proven you can abstain [for a whole six days!], if you just have one or two, consciously knowing that more than that is a problem, you probably have the willpower to cut yourself off. It's all a matter of conscientious effort. You're not weak. You can be a responsible social drinker." And I feel this ying-yang taffy pull going on inside my body and head, trying to separate the reality from the self-delusion.
Also, I've made the depressing realization that I have absolutely no hobbies outside of drinking. Except shopping, which in its own way, is almost as dangerous for me. I have the day off, it's absolutely gorgeous in Manhattan, and on a "normal" day like today, I'd be strolling through the city, having a leisurely lunch at one of my favorite haunts, and, no, not getting blitzed, but enjoying a gin and soda, perhaps, or a Negroni on the rocks. I tried to think of something else solitary to do this afternoon, and outside of shopping, I couldn't think of a damn thing. Yes, yes, I know -- go for a nice walk, take in a museum, yadda yadda yadda. I can't explain it, but all of those things seem somehow inextricably tied to ALSO having a lovely afternoon cocktail in my mind.
I really can't express wholly in words what I'm trying to convey here. I KNOW that taking a walk or going to a museum have absolutely NOTHING to do with drinking, and many (most!) people do those things without drinking even crossing their minds. But for me, aside from a few errands I ran this morning, I'm really anxious about going anywhere else, as if the very act of being in a public (non-work) environment automatically will cause me to start knocking back slugs. It's so strange to me: I can have alcohol within very close proximity to me in my own home, and I've been perfectly fine. But the thought of being out and about around town scares the bejesus out of me, because I link all of the fun stuff I do around town with drinking. Am I making ANY sense at all here, folks?
Tonight's evening out doesn't faze me (yet) because I'll have friends to keep me in check -- or, rather, I'll keep myself in check just To Prove That I Can Do It in front of them. But right now, as of 1:50 PM in New York City, I'm rather on the brink of a quiet panic attack. Dammit, dammit, dammit.
8 comments:
That's why they call addiction a habit. It's not just the chemical connection to alchohol, it's the learned patterns to imbibing that's so hard to break.
Don't ask me, I don't drink and I still don't have any hobbies. I think that's what online porn is for.
I totally get how that feels. It's a series of wake-ups. It's really good, though. And it's tough at times, but completely worth it. If nothing else, you'll remember the fun times!
I had a bottle of Lillet in my fridge for the first six months it never ocurred to me to drink, but if I would've gone to a beer bust--whole different story. That's the rub of being a "Social" drinker. The irony being it gets less and less and less social, even though you're out. So it makes sense to feel a little naked.
So glad you're writing--thanks for sharing the progress...
oh, by the way--i think the above was confusing--I meant now that you're sober you'll remember what you did, not have a wistful look back at times past. Writing is hard!
I have admired your self-reliant determination thus far; but if you never had the occasional temptation, ever-so-brief moment of self-doubt, or even quiet panic attack, Id have to question what was wrong with you... aside from the issue at hand. Hang in there. You're better than the beast.
In my first year of sobriety, I think I went to a movie nearly every day... Shaking the routines of my drinking was sometimes the creepiest part of it all. So, I hear ya, kitten!
And as the wise sage, MrPeenee, counsels: that's what the internet (porn) is for...
I remember all I wanted to do was take the drink (and cigarettes) out of my life and have everything else stay the same. I was told that much of my life had to change. "Wait a second, you don't understannd. I have obligations."
It was hard enough to stop drinking as I felt "everyone expected it of me" like I had to punch a clock and be engaging. So stopping was scary and the world of museums, certain city blocks,some films etc. were all landmines, triggers.
So I found that I had to mix it up and take totally different actions and ALLOW myself to accept I was uncomfortable and just leave the sitch or the event or the avenue and go to bed or to a movie.
This will all pass as you begin to flex your sober muscle so be okay with the awkwardness and celebrate or tolerate doing different things. The museums will be there when you are ready.
I think it is great you have chosen to stop drinking one day at a time and see what life can be like without blackouts, hangovers and lost items. (Well, I still lose items, but they are taken off of me.)
Best of luck.
Peenee -- I discovered internet porn when I was drunk, and wow, it's still fun when I'm sober! Whee!
Criticlasm -- Thank YOU for sharing in the process. And yes, I understand what you meant, and judging from your blog, writing can't be THAT difficult for you! :)
vatodiablo -- See "Day Eight." I hear ya. I'm wavering between cautious optimism and wary suspicion of myself. Thanks for sharing.
Lulu -- As always, you and Peenee are great sources of advice and support!
pulp.it -- Seems like we share some of the same experiences in our social settings, habits, etc. Being a glamorous social butterfly AND being sober ain't easy. ;) Thanks for stopping by and sharing your thoughts. It really is one day at a time, isn't it?
Drinking like smoking is difficult because it is so socially acceptable. And for some reason people who drink seem almost offended if your not drinking too. Is that their own guilt? "I'm destroying my health and want company or not to be reminded that I have an alcohol problem?
Anyway dear boy remind your self that this really is a physical/mental problem, a disease that you are healing from. So it's not about lack of control, it's a sickness that needs treatment.
Being in nature is very healing. Central Park or come visit me in Fort Tryon Park, it's beautiful!
We can take my dog for a walk and watch the trees turn colors.
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