Day Six

ANN-MARGRET

RE: the photo; I decided that this little cyber-slice of sobriety was a little...well, sober. So, for each post going forward, I'm including a visual non sequitur, apropos of nothing. Just images that make me happy. And, after all, isn't being healthy and happy what this is all about?

OK. New day, new challenges. It was a crazy, nerve-rattling, busy, chaotic day in my life. Nothing that makes me want to punch walls or anything, but let's just say that my temper flared more than a few times, I probably used a shorter and harsher tone of voice than would normally be deemed polite, and generally had a short fuse all day. In other words, the kind of day that I would usually cap off with a cocktail to unwind.

Let me be clear here: not every cocktail I took precipitated a messy evening of debauchery, 15 cocktails later. There were times when I was satisfied with my two or three drinks at dinner, or at happy hour, or unwinding at home, and called it a night. But the bad nights certainly outweighed the moderate ones, and I absolutely could not control myself once I had reached a certain point of inebriation. And it's all too easy to get to that point.

Anyway, what I'm aching for right now are those easy, breezy evenings of sharing a few carefree cocktails with friends. Trust me, I do NOT long for those nights where I'm drunk as a skunk, and need an entire day after to regain my composure and command of my consonants. I guess what I'm saying is that I'm pissed at myself for getting to the point where I cannot enjoy a moderate evening with friends, because of my not being able to control the "other" times.

It's all a matter of time, and re-conditioning myself to find having an easy, breezy evening of drinking fruit juice, while my friends have cocktails, sound like a good time. I know, poor me! But it's an adjustment. And let's not forget the fundamental truth that, let's face it, drinking is fun! It's the getting drunk that's not fun, and the consequences after. But social drinking is fun. I'll miss it.

What I'm finding a revelation, however, is how much more alert I am. I didn't realize how tired I constantly was, or how much slower my mental and physical reflexes were. Especially in the past two years or so, I would spend at least 60-70% of my week either drinking or hungover, and I didn't realize the toll it was taking on my day-to-day, mundane ability to function at a reasonable level. It's amazing what six consecutive days without being drunk and/or hungover can do for your clarity and performance.

In the midst of all the craziness that was going on around me today, I turned to the person I was with and exclaimed, "You know, if I weren't 100 percent committed to this damn sobriety thing, I'd definitely be having a cocktail when this is over." And I would be, but I'm not, and I'll be relieved when day is done, and I have another notch in my sobriety belt.