OK, so here are my initial reactions to my first AA meeting. I know, I know, you can't really judge anything by one experience. Except maybe sex.
I decided to attend a GLBT-specific meeting, since I figured, well, being surrounded by a bunch of alcoholic queens is really nothing new to me. Seriously, I did have reservations about AA in general, and even though I rarely feel the need to be in "the gay ghetto", in this case, I felt I'd be more comfortable in a gay-specific, or -friendly, environment.
At first, my worst preconceived ideas seemed to be confirmed: the first people I met were all very friendly, very nice...and, it must be said, looked like complete losers. I know I won't win any friends with this observation, but they were all older, unkempt, sloppy, overweight, and I just wanted to run. I couldn't identify. I couldn't really be like "them," could I? But I stayed, and relaxed a bit as the meeting room swelled to almost capacity, and pretty much every shape, size and color homo showed up. The diversity calmed me down, although I still felt very much like a duck out of water, especially since many of the members were well-acquainted with each other.
As I sat and listened to various testimonials, I felt a very weird dichotomy taking over: as much as I could identify with much of what they were saying, I still felt a sense of disconnect, as if I were thinking of how it applied to "someone else." I'm not in denial of the fact that I'm an alcoholic. I can't explain it. I just felt really disconnected.
Part of the problem was/is that I've never enjoyed groups. Even in school, my friends were wildly disparate, and never part of the same "clique." I had jock friends, nerd friends, artsy friends, theater friends, goth friends, you name it. As an adult, I never cultivated a "circle" of friends -- I have friends, but all from different spheres and sources, and we never really hang out in a group. I'm sure I could spend a good amount of time in psychotherapy discussing that one, but for the time being, let's assume it's NOT an "issue," just a personality trait. The AA group mantras, the holding-hands circle at the meeting's end...I got it, I understood it, but I didn't really like it. Never have, in any capacity.
I also, in some way, probably illogically felt that by merely going to my first AA meeting, by taking that First Step, I'd immediately feel better, as if a weight had lifted. I didn't. I felt completely defeated by the fact that it had "come to this." And, as I listened to tales of years in AA, and relapses along the way, and of daily struggles, I suddenly felt completely overwhelmed by the enormity of what was facing me. It just seems like such a long road ahead, and I'm already exhausted. I'd love to do nothing but...well, do nothing for a month. I don't mean spending a month drinking, believe me. I'd just love to chuck everything and just relax.
Anyway, will I return to AA? I don't know. I don't know if it's for me. I don't know what IS for me, in terms of treatment. My company offers 8 free visits to a psychiatrist, although the selection is limited and, again, I'm suddenly feeling very vulnerable and only wanting to speak with a gay or gay-friendly therapist. So, I have a lot of choices to make. And right now, I'm being a bit of a baby, and just wishing it would all go away, because I just feel so physically and mentally tired, that I couldn't possibly make a good decision if I wanted to. So, this is where my inner voice usually snaps, Eve Arden-fashion, "Get off your ass, kid, and do something!"
And, if I've learned anything at all in my 32 years, it's that Eve Arden usually is right.
6 comments:
A) Eve Arden is always right.
B) You've already made one good decision, to stop drinking. Give yourself credit.
C) You might need antidepression meds. The feeling of being overwhelmed and inert sounds like me before I started mine.
D) I hate groups. The lowest common denominator is not for me. That said, sometimes you have to join the herd. Sigh.
You have an illness, so far, beyond your control...so Bravo for taking the first step towards wellness.
The first one is always strange, I think. And there are so many meetings, especially in NY. The high noon on Sunday is good at the Center, and there's a great men's stag on 46th btw 6th & bway on Mondays at 12:30. I think it's great you're going, and I would say give it a week or so, and see how you feel. It took me a while to feel a part of, and some days, even after a year, I don't. But it's learning to get through that that is the real gift. IT sounds like you're in a good place, and really glad you're writing.
A friend of mine early on suggested morning meetings, and they've been really helpful for me. So I'll pass that on. :)
Peenee -- I've thought about that (meds). I hope that's not the case, only because I'm awful at keeping a timetable. Thanks for the continued support, too.
Dray -- Thank you!
Criticlasm -- Very much appreciated, thank you for sharing with me, and taking the time to write!
My ex is a recovering alcoholic and I've attended well over 200 meetings with him. They always say, look for the similarities, not the differences... Good Luck with it! You've taken the first step, that's the hardest.
Thanks, David!
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