JOAN COLLINS
A friend suggested the other day that my drinking was triggered by uhappiness in other areas of my life. A simple enough explanation; but one I'm intrigued yet skeptical about. I mean, isn't that the oldest cliche in the book? Drinking your sorrows away, drowning your troubles in the bottle? I honestly don't ever remember going on a bender because I was upset or unhappy -- although, to be fair, I don't recall a lot of those benders very well, period. But drinking for me was just "there": to celebrate something, to relax, to unwind, because I was bored, and I suppose, on a few occasions, because I was upset.
More specifically, this friend thought that perhaps I felt creatively stifled by my occupation, and drinking helped to "enlarge" my life, outside of work. Again, it's an intriguing theory, one which I'll have to analyze more in-depth. Frankly, a no-less simplistic alternate explanation would be that I grew up on a steady diet of MGM glamour alternated with tell-all movie star bios; and Joan, Lana, Judy and the rest could drink most of their male counterparts under the table. Of course, they were my idols. Drinking was just part of the glamour package.
Do I feel creatively stifled? Not really...my main failing, in the interest of full disclosure, is a frightening lack of ambition. I have a very strong work ethic, mind you; but that and ambition are vastly different things. I'll do any job put before me to the absolute best of my ability, but I have no grand ambitions of a career, creative or otherwise. The pursuit of beauty in all forms has been my dual savior and downfall. I'm a split personality: a dreamer and a hard-nosed realist; and while the dreamer often dominates my actions, the realist is keenly self-aware of the folly of doing so -- and either is harshly self-critical or bemusedly resigned, depending on my mood.
Hmmm. Maybe there's something connected to my drinking, after all.
5 comments:
I think people like for things to fit neatly into little boxes. It helps them to not have to think about it themselves. I'm sure only you will ever know what it's all about. Who knows, it might be just as simple as a habit that gets out of control...like anything could be.
I remember as a kid watching movies...then drinking ice tea in a high ball glass...pretending it was a drink. Ceremoniously clinking the ice....or drinking ginger ale from my mothers champage glasses (the old shallow cup style)
I don't know if my drinking was triggered by a lack of satisfaction in another area of my life. I suspect I could fairly easily draw such connections, but would tend to doubt their accuracy.
My own belief about my drinking is that it was started out as a temporary solution to an array of mostly temporary problems. (Had a bad day - drink! Had a good day - drink! Need to relax - drink! Need to man up - drink!) Then it progressed to where it started making its own problems. (Fucked up that job/relationship/project - drink!) Then it was just became the problem.
I found that I had learned to use alcohol as my primary coping strategy. Unfortunately, drinking is not coping, and I've found I've had to scroll back and learn a different set of coping skills.
And I feel really good about that awareness (that I can get through anything without the hassle of a drink) in all areas of my life.
(The soapbox is free now.)
I get what you're saying about ambition, I feel that way as well, and weirdly a lot of my drinking was just that it was something to do when no one had an assignment for me.
I went to a party this weekend and the guy had this amazing installation he'd done in his backyard-- a small settee with a little table attached covered with pill bottles, empty alcohol bottles and a pink rotary dial phone. When you picked the phone up it was a very out of it Judy Garland giving an interview about her life, or a soliloquy. It's a twenty minute loop, and an amazing reminder of what it's like to be in that space. The pill bottles all had replicas of her prescriptions. Wild. Since you like the greats, I thought you might appreciate that. A favorite quote "Sidney Michael Luft is not a man. He's a pimp."
Jason -- And don't forget the chocolate ciggies.
Lulu -- Use my soapbox anytime; I love hearing what you have to say!
Criticlasm -- That's BRILLIANT. I have those tapes of Judy preparing her never-finished memoirs, and I can just imagine it.
Do I recall a post of yours about how you were interested in something but your Father insisted you go in a diff. direction? Perhaps I'm mistaken.
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