Day 25

CLARA BOW

I know, I know...a five day gap. No, no relapses. Ice cream, yes. Vodka, no.

D-Man and I went out last night; he called me up and said, "Well, this is awkward, but would you like to go out for...?" He trailed off, and I replied, "I'll meet you so you can have a drink, and I'll have a soda."

So off we traipsed to a nearby watering hole, where the crowd skews towards the typical aggregation of muscles and Abercrombie & Fitch tee shirts. Within 10 minutes, I was bored out of my mind, and also extremely uncomfortable. Not self-conscious, per se, but I couldn't relate to a single person in the joint.

So D-Man and I took our leave, and decided to have a late supper at a casual, gay-centric diner around the corner, where the crowd was terribly similar: lots of guys in their 20's and 30's, all wearing variations on either the tight-jeans-and-A&F-tee-shirt clone look, or fey-scarf-and-faux-hawk gay "boi" look. In my scrupulously tailored gray trousers, cashmere V-neck and sheared-fur-lined coat, I probably looked and definitely felt like a disapproving old dowager.

As D-Man and I talked, I hit upon an analogy which sort of clarified a lot for me: these gay cliques reminded me a hell of a lot of the cliques who made my school years so miserable. On the one hand, I disliked them, and felt somehow "better" than them; and on the other, I wished I had the capacity to belong to a clique, rather than be on the outside. And, when I stumbled into the gay world, with its own set of cliques and Mean Girls and Jocks, drinking helped to ease the discomfort I felt. The weird thing is, I'm only uncomfortable, or more accurately, feel out of place, in those kinds of settings. Walking into a theater or restaurant, walking down the street, traveling the globe -- I carry myself with so much confidence, it's ridiculous. But put me next to some dude with highlights and a tank top in a silly gay diner, and all of a sudden, I'm a sullen 15 year old again.

Groups have never been my thing, which is why that first AA meeting didn't appeal to me at all. I make friends relatively easily -- contrary to popular rumor, I'm very easy to get along with! -- but I don't belong to a "circle" of friends. D-Man and I commented on this at the bar and restaurant; all these guys were in sewing circles of at least four to six friends, which was really alien to our personalities, and mine in particular.

I would never describe myself as a loner, but I do like time by myself, maybe more than the average person. As a kid, I loved being by myself to draw, or write, or read. I love being by myself still, to do those same things, or to simply window shop, take in a museum, and have a leisurely lunch. 

This is a rambling post, and there's no real rhyme or reason to it...it's all very stream of consciousness. I think a lot of people start drinking either because they're bored or insecure or both, and then it becomes a habit. I'm pretty sure that's how mine started; although the disease itself is another story and probably a whole other can of worms.